有谁能推荐几个很好笑的英语笑话,还要带有标准的中文翻译哟!——如被采纳,还会给你加分哟!

有谁能推荐几个很好笑的英语笑话,还要带有标准的中文翻译哟!——如被采纳,还会给你加分哟!
有谁能推荐几个很好笑的英语笑话,还要带有标准的中文翻译哟!——如被采纳,还会给你加分哟!

有谁能推荐几个很好笑的英语笑话,还要带有标准的中文翻译哟!——如被采纳,还会给你加分哟!
Good Boy
　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　"She is the one who sells the candy."
　　好孩子
　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
　　“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说. “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说.“再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
　　“她是个卖糖果的.”
　　Nest and Hair
　　My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
　　"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
　　"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
　　"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
　　"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
　　Notes:
　　(1) inform v.告诉
　　(2) nest n.窝；巢
　　(3) description n.描述
　　(4) encourage v.鼓励
　　(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
　　鸟窝与头发
　　我姐姐是一位小学老师.一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝.
　　“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她.
　　“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝.”那孩子回答说.
　　“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道.
　　“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样.”
　　I've Just Bitten My Tongue
　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
　　Notes:
　　(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
　　(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头. 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式.
　　我刚咬破自己的舌头
　　“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲.
　　“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”
　　“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头.”
　　A Woman Who Fell
　　It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
　　摔倒的女人
　　上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车.接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了.她的惯性使她接近了我的脚.我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来.她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”
　　英语笑话（一）
　　Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
　　A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
　　猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小.但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子.这个答案很有意思吧?
　　Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
　　A: By treading on his corn?
　　如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气.Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思.
　　Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
　　A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
　　因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的.你说呢?
　　Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
　　A: They make faces all day.
　　一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面.
　　Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
　　A: Keep him awake.
　　怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉.虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了.
　　英语笑话（二）
　　He is really somebody
　　-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
　　-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
　　-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
　　他真是一个大人物
　　-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人.
　　-- 他真是一个大人物.干什么的?
　　-- 墓地守墓人.
　　英语笑话（三）
　　Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
　　At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
　　它们是从美国直接带来的
　　一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元.在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假.
　　这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票.这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的.”
　　英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read
　　Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
　　Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
　　Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
　　我的狗不识字
　　布朗夫人：哦,
　　亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!
　　史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!
　　布朗夫人：没有用的,我的小狗不认识字.”
　　英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
　　-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
　　-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
　　-- Well, bring me the winner then.
　　给我那个打赢的吧
　　-- 服务员,
　　这个龙虾只有一只爪.
　　-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了.
　　-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧.
　　英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"
　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
　　吝啬鬼请客
　　一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了.他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃.门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开.”
　　“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”
　　“你的双手得拿礼物啊.天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答.
　　On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf
　　在一个乡村路上,一警察让这个农民靠边停车,说：“先生,你意识到你的妻子在几公里前从车上掉下去了吗?”农民回答说：“感谢上帝,我还以为我聋了呢!”
　　Boxing and Running
　　Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight."
　　Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box."
　　Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
　　拳击和赛跑
　　丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击.他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界,所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏.”
　　朋友： “如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大,健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?”
　　丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢.”
　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
　　"I’d know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
　　伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问,"发生了什么事?“
　　”一个男孩咬了我一口,“伊凡说.
　　”再见到他时你能认出来吗?"妈妈问.
　　“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说,“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里呢.”
　　Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
　　Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
　　Teacher: Wrong.
　　Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
　　老师：马修,新西兰的气候怎么样?
　　马修：先生,那里的天气很冷.
　　老师：错了.
　　马修：可是,先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的.
　　1.When Was Rome Built? 罗马是什么时候建成的?
　　Teacher: When was Rome built?
　　Tom: At night.
　　Teacher: Who told you that?
　　Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day.
　　老师：罗马是什么时候建成的?
　　汤姆：在夜里建成的.
　　老师：谁告诉你的?
　　汤姆：是您啊.您说过罗马不是在一个白天建成的.
　　2.He Knows the Answer 他知道答案
　　Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century?
　　Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.
　　教师：你能告诉我一些有关十八世纪的伟大科学家的事情吗?
　　学生：我能,先生.他们都死了.
　　3.Where do babies come from? 小孩从哪里来?
　　I asked my father where babies come from.
　　He says you download them from the Internet.
　　我问爸爸小孩是从哪里来的,他说是从网上下载的.
　　4.An Essential Correction 实质性的纠正
　　Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.
　　Walter: What was it?
　　Teacher: Eggs.
　　Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday.
　　老 师：沃尔特,你为什么不洗脸?我看得出你今天早饭吃了什么.
　　沃尔特：我吃了什么?
　　老 师：鸡蛋.
　　沃尔特：错了,老师.那是昨天吃的.
　　5. I Don’t Feel Like Getting into an Argument 我不想争论
　　“Gerald,” asked the teacher, “what is the shape of the earth?”
　　“It's round,” answered Gerald.
　　“How do you know it's round?” continued the teacher.
　　“All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “ I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!”
　　“杰拉尔德,”老师说,“地球是什么形状的?”
　　“是圆形的,”杰拉尔德回答.
　　“你怎么知道是圆的?”老师继续问.
　　“好,那就是方的吧,”他回答说.“我真的不想和您争论这件事!”
　　6.Three Reasons 三个理由
　　Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round.
　　Bob: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so!
　　老师：鲍勃,说出三条理由来证实地球是圆的.
　　鲍勃：妈妈是这么说的,爸爸是这么说的,您也是这么说的!
　　7.Who Should be Given the Present? 礼物该给谁?
　　A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked
　　which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient,
　　never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he
　　inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it,
　　Daddy!”
　　一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里,把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁.“谁最听话,从不和妈妈顶嘴,让干什么就干什么?”他问道.
　　大家都不吭声.过了一会儿,孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸,您玩儿吧.”
　　8.Big Head 大脑袋
　　“All the kids make fun of me,” The boy cried to his mother. “They say I
　　have a big head.”
　　“Don't listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful
　　head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.”
　　“Where's the shopping bag?”
　　“I haven't got one, use your hat.”
　　“所有的孩子都拿我取乐,”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋.”
　　“别听他们的,”他妈妈安慰说.“你的脑袋长得很漂亮.好了,别哭了,
　　去到店里买10磅土豆来.”
　　“兜子在哪儿呢?” “我没有兜子——就用你的帽子吧.”