求英语短文,笑话,越多越好,带翻译

求英语短文,笑话,越多越好,带翻译
求英语短文,笑话,越多越好,带翻译

求英语短文,笑话,越多越好,带翻译
叫我怎么说明白?
　　那天我正在看碟,学英语的老妈捧了本书进来,我们有了这样的对话－－
　　老妈：“这个‘I don't know.’是什么意思?”
　　我说：“我不知道.”
　　老妈：“送你上学上了几年,你怎么什么都不知道!”
　　我说：“不是!就是‘我不知道’嘛!”
　　老妈：“还嘴硬!你再给我说说这个,‘I know’是什么意思你该知道吧?”
　　我说：“我知道.”
　　老妈：“知道就快说.”
　　我说：“就是我知道.”
　　老妈：“找茬呀你?”
　　我说：“没错啊,我知道!”
　　老妈：“知道你还不说!不懂不要装懂!你给我小心点,花那么多钱送你上学,搞得现在什么都不会,会那么一丁点儿东西还跟老妈摆谱儿.再问你最后一个,你给我好好解释一下,说不出来我再收拾你.你给我翻译一下‘I know but I don't want to tell you’是什么意思?”
　　我晕倒,拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十多下,用头撞墙四十多下,双手轮番抽自己嘴巴五十多下,用脚踢桌子角六十多下,我问老妈：“这下你满意了吧?”
　　人们常说：学习是痛苦的历程,不过我不明白,为什么受伤的总是我.
　　我妈学英语的热情日益高涨,因而我的苦难就日益加深.每当老妈问我英文的时候,我都会先吃三片阿斯匹林,缠好绷带,再运上龟背神功至第十二重.
　　这不她老人家又来问我了：“儿啊,‘I'm very annoyed,don't trouble me’是什么意思啊?”
　　我说：“我很烦,别烦我.”
　　老妈：“找打,跟你妈这么说话.”
　　老妈又问：“‘I hear nothing,repeat’是what意思啊?”
　　我说：“我没听清,再说一次.”
　　老妈又说了一遍：“I hear nothing,repeat.”
　　“我没我没听清,再说一次.”（结果被扁）
　　老妈再问：“‘Look up in the dictionary’是何意啊?”
　　我说：“查字典.”
　　“查字典我还问你做甚?”（被扁）
　　老妈又问：“‘You had better ask others’怎么翻呢?”
　　我说：“你最好问别人.”
　　“你是我儿子,我问别人干吗,又找打.”
　　“啊!God save me!”
　　“耍你老妈玩,上帝也救不了你!”（被扁）
　　“我再问你,‘Use your head,then think it over’又是什么意思啊?”
　　我说：“动动脑子,再仔细想想.”
　　“臭小子,还敢耍我.”接着又要动手.
　　我忙说：“是世上只有妈妈好的意思.”
　　“嗯,这还差不多,一会儿我给你做好吃的,明天再问你.”
　　我晕倒.
　　超精明的走私犯
　　A Smugglar
　　走私犯
　　The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
　　一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境,哨兵迎了上去.哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时,惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋.
　　"What's in here?" he asked.
　　“里面装的是什么?”他问道.
　　"Dirt," the driver replied.
　　“土.”司机回答.
　　"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
　　“把袋子拿出来”,哨兵命令道：“我要检查.”
　　Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
　　那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来.确实,口袋里除了土以外,别无他特.哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了.
　　A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
　　一周后,那人又来了,哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱.
　　"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
　　“这次袋子里装的是什么?”他问道.
　　"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
　　“土,又运了一些土.”那人回答.
　　Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
　　哨兵不相信,对那些袋子又进行了检查,结果发现,除了土以外,仍旧一无所获.
　　The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.
　　同样的事情每周重演一次,一共持续了六个月.最后,哨兵被弄得灰心丧气,干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者.
　　Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
　　有天夜里,那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧,下车喝酒.那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说,“我说,老兄,你要是能帮我一个忙,今晚的酒就归我请客.你能不能告诉我,那段时间你到底在走私什么东西?”
　　Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
　　那人俯身过来,凑近侍者的耳朵,裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车.” man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
　　一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
　　Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
　　"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
　　四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
　　呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
　　Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!
　　拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!"
　　My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
　　Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
　　Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
　　Notes
　　1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
　　2. to point at: 对...瞄准
　　个中意味自己体会吧 :)
　　allybaby
　　Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
　　两个猎人进森林里打猎,其中一个猎人不慎跌倒,两眼翻白,似已停止呼吸.另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话.接线员沉着地说：“第一步,要先确定你的朋友已经死亡.”于是,接线员在电话里听到一声枪响,然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办?”
　　An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
　　"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
　　"What is it?"
　　"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
　　"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
　　"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
　　中文翻译：
　　生化战争课的老师在课堂上问士兵们：“谁知道水的分子式?”
　　“当然,太简单了.”一个士兵回答道.
　　“是什么?”
　　“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”
　　“什么,什么?”老师又问道.
　　“H to O,”化学专家解释道.