麻烦谁能帮我看一下这篇雅思小作文?这是我自己在家里写的一篇雅思小作文——剑5 TEST 2,WRITING TASK 1.第一次写这篇时完全逻辑不清,后来稍微看了范文才恍然过来,就修改了一下.The bar charts bey

麻烦谁能帮我看一下这篇雅思小作文?这是我自己在家里写的一篇雅思小作文——剑5 TEST 2,WRITING TASK 1.第一次写这篇时完全逻辑不清,后来稍微看了范文才恍然过来,就修改了一下.The bar charts bey
麻烦谁能帮我看一下这篇雅思小作文?
这是我自己在家里写的一篇雅思小作文——剑5 TEST 2,WRITING TASK 1.
第一次写这篇时完全逻辑不清,后来稍微看了范文才恍然过来,就修改了一下.
The bar charts beyond describe the main causes for study among students of various age groups and the amount of support they gained from employers.
As we can see from the first gragh,the number of students under 26yr studing for career stands at 80%,which is the highest point of all.And this percentage gradually decreases by 10-20% every decade.Only 18% people aged over 49yr study for career reasons as the least share.By contrast,the number of students under 26yr study for interest occupies 10%.The percentage does not increase fast until the fourth decade,and grows dramatically in late adulthood.The numbers of students aged 40-49 studing for interest and career are nearly the same.
In the second survey,employer support is maximum which is approximately 60% for the under 26yr students.And then,it drops drastically to 30 in the ages from 30 to 39.However,it increases in late adulthood to about 42% during the fourth decade of life.It seems that the employer support is based on those students who mainly study for career.

麻烦谁能帮我看一下这篇雅思小作文?这是我自己在家里写的一篇雅思小作文——剑5 TEST 2,WRITING TASK 1.第一次写这篇时完全逻辑不清,后来稍微看了范文才恍然过来,就修改了一下.The bar charts bey
我没有看这个图,不过看你的总体内容,表达的比较的清楚.我帮你稍微的改了一下.
The bar charts beyond(?) describe the main causes of study for the students belonging to various age groups and the amount of support they gained from employers.
As it can be seen from the first gragh,the proportation of students under 26yr studing for career stands at 80%,which is the highest point caompared with other age groups.Moreover,this percentage gradually decreases by 10-20% in every decade.Only 18% people aged over 49yr study for career as the least share.By contrast,the number of students under 26yr study for interest occupies 10%.The percentage does not increase fast until the fourth decade,in particular,growing dramatically in late adulthood.The number of students aged 40-49 studing for interest and career are nearly euqal.
In the second survey,the percentage ofsupport coming from employers is maximum which is approximately 60% for the under 26yr students,following with the dramastic drop to 30 in the ages from 30 to 39.However,it increases in late adulthood to about 42% during the fourth decade of life.It seems that the employer support is given to those students studying for career.
这个改的时候因为没有图,所以很多的不知道意思是不是一样.,不过在正式的描述性的论文中不要出现第一人称,i或者是we

简单看了一下，描述的内容有可读性，但是人感觉有点生搬硬套。在用词和语法方面需日后加强。

我不是高手 不过我觉得写得不错